taste of HOME.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y.....

It's a lovely September Saturday night. Typically this would mean one of two things: either hanging out with friends elsewhere or hosting a game/movie night in. However, on this particular evening I admittedly find myself entertaining a party of one, and it has been quite a blessing.

Being alone, truly and simply, is a hard thing to come by in college. More often than not there's a function or meeting to attend, or friends to entertain, or family to visit or a game to be at. And yet, there still remain small glimpses of solitude here and again, and perhaps their rarity makes them all the better. Now, don't get me wrong - I love people. Seriously. But there come times when you just need to be, when you just need to turn up your music and walk around in your underwear.

With the evening before me, it crossed my mind that one of my favorite radio programs plays only on Saturday nights on MPB! Quickly tuning in, the sweet sounds of bluegrass begin to play, filling the kitchen with warmth only matched by the soft lamplight. As I began to get supper ready, the sounds of beautiful voices and stringed instruments kept me company.

Now, if you know me, you know that I was born and raised in Meridian. If you really know me, you know that my hometown is Oxford. Being away from that place is hard, and deep in my bones I'm always longing to be back: to walk the Square, to drive down Jackson St., to most of all reside at 117 Camp Lake Stephens Drive. And on this lovely September Saturday night, God blessed me with a little taste of home. Unbeknownst to me, tonight's program was coming live from the one and only Oxford, straight out of a favorite haunt known as Off-Square Books. As the program went on and speakers spoke, they would reference places or things of Oxford, like Ajax and Boure and Hank Hung the Moon. Oh, how sweet it was to almost be there!

Even though I can't be where I most long to be, it's always on my mind and in my heart. As of late it's been a struggle to come to terms with this, but God's been teaching me to recognize the purpose where He's placed me. He's showing me how to appreciate the beauty of the 'Burg. He's opening doorways to love others, to be loved by others, to discover things about living a life that reflects Him. To yearn for Him above all else, for Heaven, and to recognize His plans as far greater than my own. To be PATIENT, and to never ever forget that hope exists.

So, tonight, over a supper of fish fillet and mac n' cheese and a tall glass of sweet tea, my heart and my stomach were filled. Thank You, dear Lord, for a night in.

An artist's depiction of the courthouse on The Square,
purchased from Off-Square Books this summer.

"Further Up, Further In, and Farther Along."

prayer, please...

For Buffalo Mountain Camp, a Sister camp in another United Methodist conference, who showed us much hospitality this summer. They experienced some pretty serious flood damage this August and need to be lifted up as they rebuild.

During our stay there, we were able to experience what their campers experience each week. They opened their doors, their pantries, and their hearts to us that week. During one of their worship services, they sang a medley of songs, and ironically enough these lyrics from Needtobreathe was incorporated:

"Even when the rain fallsEven when the flood starts risingEven when the storm comesI am washed by the water."
It's hard to deal with damage from life storms (physical and emotional), but not impossible. Please be in prayer for these, our Brothers and Sisters, and this amazing ministry.


Click the link below to learn more!

http://www.buffalomountaincamp.org


"Further Up, Further In, and Farther Along."

lessons in love.

God has been teaching me so much lately.

After the summer, have been realizing that while at college I clang to the familiar and only pretended to delve into things that were different, only skimmed the surface of relationships that could have been deeper. This year, have been determined not to do that.

It all kind of began with moving off campus. Yes, this year five of us ladies are living in a house rented out to students involved in the Wesley foundation! Although I know all of them, I could only honestly say that I was close to two of the girls. Moving in a week early allowed me to get to know the other two girls better, through conversations and cooking and prayer.

As school began to get started back, God continued to provide me with opportunities to spend true time with people who had before not really bothered to try and get to know because I already had a "group of friends," not feeling as if I should invest in other people. How foolish this mentality was! God has such a creativeness, allowing each of us to express an ego, a self, and to do so in such a way that imperfectly reflects His image. Cutting myself off from potential relationships was severing my chance to see God and to love as He calls us to. Thank You Lord for giving more grace, for not leaving me in that rut!

With that being said, there are several people who He has obviously called me to love this semester. It was so hard before because I was relying on myself, trying to draw on some fictitious source of love that existed in me apart from Him. As God called me to love more, began to see that this was going to be quite impossible without His help (duh!) and that the only way to pour out was to know the Source. He's been teaching me to call on the Spirit, God within, for help and strength.

It's been hard for sure. Although it has been AMAZING to experience these new, deeper relationships, at the same time it's hard to feel more distant from those who I used to feel closest to. And now is the kicker: contentment. God's been teaching me more and more to let Him in, to see You, Jesus, as my Friend and Companion. I am never alone, never deprived of One who knows me more intimately than I even know myself. Growing closer to You, Jesus, has been a beautiful and difficult journey, but for the first time it feels real. You are showing me more and more how to love, how to be loved, how to live. Most of all, am learning how to cherish time with You and to simply be in Your presence - to truly seek You above all else: above other people, above my to-do list, above what I'll eat or do next.


Comfort has come from:
Matthew 6:34.
the story of Mary Magdalene.
numerous Psalms.
"Spanish Pipedream," as covered by The Avett Brothers.
"Farther Along," by Josh Garrels.
Some advice from a dear Friend.



Dear Lord, please keep tearing down these walls as You alone see fit.




"Further Up, Further In, and Farther Along."

must love dogs.

I have always been a "cat" person.

Growing up, it was not uncommon for our family to have anywhere from five to fifteen cats at one time, all of them living outside of course. When we moved to our new house about five years ago, Dad finally got us a dog. Needless to say, this precious puppy grew into an excited, overwhelming dog, and for a long time I have struggled with loving her as I love my wonderful cats. 

This morning I was sitting outside trying to soak up some Creation/Creator time, and lo and behold Manny (dog) wanders up. At first I was admittedly annoyed, wanting to be alone and at peace with the pine trees instead of having to ward off the inevitable licking and rubbing and smell that Manny brings with her. BUT, something God has been teaching me lately is to see Manny as He sees her, to see her as His Creation. I have never really thought about dogs, or even cats for that matter, as God's Creation. He made her just the way she is for a purpose, and to wish her any differently is kind of an insult to God. Those verses in 1 John came to mind, 4:20-21, that say: "If someone says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen? And this is the commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also." 

Sitting in the shade with Manny, God taught me to love her as much as I love Misty or Midnight or Merlin or Lynno or Simba. How can I say I love God's Work when I don't even try to love this sweet dog right in front of me? After years of avoidance and annoyance, am finally learning to love Manny for who she is, licking and all. We sat for a while under that pine tree, God showing me all the while how much Manny points to Him, how she can teach me so much about how we are supposed to love our Master. 

Thanks, Lord, for teaching me always. For breaking my stubbornness. For creating DOGS. 

MANNY.

"FURTHER UP AND FURTHER IN."

reality check.

Summer is a magical time.

For a few months out of the year, we can do all of the things that never seem to fit into the space of our "normal" lives. People read books, spend lazy days at the pool, go on craft kicks (if you're my mother). For me, the last three summers have been spent in a place that can only be compared to Neverland or Narnia or some other fictional place that you've only read or dreamed about: a wonderful little summer camp down a winding Mississippi backroad. For about ten weeks, I am blessed to live where kids and sunshine are staples to life. Where the pool is your shower. Where wasp stings are somewhat unavoidable and where air conditioning is unheard of. This little camp holds my heart, and I cannot tell you of another place that I have found such Christian community or have learned so much about relationships or God or pole beans...

And after that tenth week, it's over. And you're back home around t.v. and air conditioning and fast food and strip malls. And it's almost as if those ten weeks were a dream. This summer it hit harder than ever, coming back from camp, because it was probably the most difficult I've ever experienced.. and yet it was also the one that God brought me the farthest on in so many ways. He taught me what it's like to be in real relationships with people, about love and hope and faith and peace. He showed me how extensive His Creation is - from the highest mountains to the lowest caves. He taught me to question things that are, that just because it is doesn't mean it should be.

These past few days I've been asking myself a lot of questions. Usually when the summer ends, we step back into the "real" world and don the clothing of our "normal" life again. Sure, some habits like recycling may stick, but for the most part things go back to the way they were. But WHY IS THAT? When was it determined that this is real life and that is not, this is how things are done and that is just an idea to entertain? Well, I'm tired of making that distinction. My reality is not what it has been, no, no longer.

The things that define my reality are:
 6 hour bus rides with smelly junior high boys.
the taste of fresh tomatoes and peppers from a garden in your own backyard.
bare feet on smooth wood.
geese landing on a lake in the morning.
fresh meat from local farmers.
bracelets made with love.
love that comes from God.
community.
bright, joyful colors.
poems by Wendell Berry.
flowing skirts.
dog breath.
dirt.
mud puddles.
camp fires and honey and granola.
hand-written letters.
rain on a tin roof.
frisbee.
tent poles.
my family.


In a few days I'll be moving back for my last year of college as an undergraduate...
I'm eagerly awaiting the chance to be back amongst the things that are familiar, yet determined that they do not remain the same. So much has changed this summer.

In The Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis, there's a place called "The Wood Between The Worlds." The main characters of the story happen across this place while on some of their adventures. It's a place where the only things that happen are the trees continue to grow - nothing else lives there, only the soft blades of grass and the shade trees, but from that place one can access all of the other "worlds". As one character described it, the wood was not where the real living took place. For me, the real living takes place at camp, and the in-between place has been the other nine months of the year. However, this is not the way it should be. It's time to let what we do at camp fill the streets. Lord, I'm praying for boldness and courage and help, so much help, to not slip back into sameness, to make my reality real again. 

"Suppose we did our work
like the snow, quietly, quietly,
leaving nothing out."
-w.b.

may we all be sincerely, thankfully progressing,
"further UP and further IN."

letter from the past.

"Return, O Israel, to the LORD your God, for you have stumbled because of your iniquity. Take with you words and return to the LORD; say to Him, 'Take away all iniquity; accept what is good, and we will pay with bulls the vows of our lips.'" -Hosea 14:1-2



It's a new year, a new day, a new hour. Yet what brings me to blog tonight is something of old, something that has been packed away in a neatly labeled box in the attic of my mind...


A postcard started the whole thing. A simple rectangle: blue, unassuming. To anyone it would seem like just another piece of mail. And, truth be told, it is. Except at the same time it's not. The letter was patiently waiting on my dresser when I got home from school yesterday. It was unexpected, really. I thought that I would never get another piece of mail like this again; yet, there it was, clearly addressed to me. The message was a simple one: "You are requested to pray for Happening #7 on Saturday, April 21 from 7:00 pm to 7:30 pm."

As I read those words for the first time in it seemed like ages, something inside me stirred. The contents of that carefully packed away box began to rattle, and a few years of dust took to the air. You see, the Happening is a weekend retreat for students in high school. You go through once, and then you can be on staff. This retreat was a big part of my life for a really long time, and there is absolutely no way to explain how the Lord used it to save my life. If it wasn't for the Happening, I don't even want to think about who I'd be right now.

As I sat down to pray tonight, memories came flooding back; the box was open once again. As I prayed over the list of Happeners, the Lord reminded me what it felt like to be there. He reminded me of how it felt to be loved by complete strangers, how it felt to be so taken care of that even though you don't know what's going on you don't really care because you can trust that it will be for your good. He reminded me what it felt like to be on staff, to be down to your last but that it was those times when He really shined through. He reminded me what it felt like to cry openly, to pray, to sing joyfully and freely and boldly for Him, perhaps for the first time without any other care but to worship my Savior. How could I have forgotten these things? Why would I ever shove this away, cram this in some mental cardboard box as if that part of my life was over?


I felt like Simba in that infamous scene when he talks to Mufasa in the sky. Mufasa says, "Simba, you have forgotten me." Simba responds with, "No. How could I?" Mufasa, in all his wisdom, replies: "You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life."

Tonight I was reminded that I am who I am now because of God, plain and simple. He has taken many things in my life and used them to shape me. He is the Potter, and I am the clay, simple dirt and water. I must never forget what He has done for me, how much I will always be in need of Him, always "falling on my knees, offering all of me," because He's "all this heart is living for." He's the One I must run to when I'm broken. He's the Healer, the Great Provider, and He NEVER fails.

Lord, please help me to live in a constant state of brokenness before You. Please let me never be a forgetful hearer, but when I do forget, please bring me back to You. Amen.

"Further Up and Further In."

"Be like the fox..."

"Be like the fox who makes more tracks than necessary, some in the wrong direction. Practice resurrection." Wendell Berry


To hear this quote for the first time is not enough to understand it. You have to hear it more than once for it to really mean something, for it to take root in your mind the way Wendell Berry meant it to. 


It's an excerpt from "Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front," in case you were wondering. This summer was the first time I'd ever heard this, though Berry's name had been a familiar one for some time now. We were gathered together for the last book study of the summer, sitting cross-legged in a circle on the grey rug that had the faintest odor of feet and dog, but not in an unpleasant way. At the end of the general discussion and a wrap-up of what had been covered over the past few weeks, our program director said he had something to share with us. He began to read this "Manifesto," this string of words that weighed much more than the paper they were printed on. 


It's about a lot of things. It's about fighting conformity, about investing in more than stocks, about loving the Lord. It's about not being afraid to make mistakes so long as you learn from them.


A few weeks ago at a weekend retreat I was reminded of these words. After being in school for so long, my life had reached a dull, mind-numbing repetitiveness. My life was dancing to a pattern that I had cut out for myself; I could see the rut but could not see how to get out of it. While at this retreat was blessed with just what was needed: Silence. No voices in my head telling me what should be doing, no schedule screaming at me to go here or there. Just silence. The Lord spoke to me, showed me that my complacency was pushing me to the verge of apathy, the stealthiest sin of them all. He showed me that what was missing was growth, and that my relationship with Him had been struggling more than I had even known. He showed me how to start growing again, and PRAISE THE LORD that He continues to teach me each day. He has taught me to live expecting to learn.


Not long after this retreat, I got a package. It was a manilla envelope with my name on the outside in careful handwriting, the letters a familiar script. Inside was a note from my program director, short and to the point, but still with so much of his personality seeping out of the black ink that I couldn't help but smile. He had burned me a few CDs, "old school like," with some advice written on them in brown permanent marker: "Be like the fox who makes more tracks than necessary, some in the wrong direction. Practice resurrection."


This morning the Lord reminded me that He has given me a great gift! He has bought me again and set me free. This life He's given me is not to be wasted. It's not to wallow in sin. It's not to be content being a bum. With the Lord's help I will indeed be content in all circumstances (Philippians 4:11-12), but I will not waste this life. 


"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me." Philippians 3:12


Paul goes on to say that he presses on and "reaches forward to those things which are ahead" (v.13) to "the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (v.14). 


With the Lord's help, I will practice resurrection. I will live a life that screams the freedom He has so freely given. I will make mistakes, but they will serve "to mark the false trail, the way [I] didn't go."


"Further Up and Further In."

Sun, sand - and Caribbean baseball?

What's the best remedy for a whole lotta school? Why, to load up in a van with some of your soon-to-be closest friends eva and head down to the BEACH!


Thursday afternoon the borrowed church bus pulled into the parking lot of Seashore United Methodist Assembly. We were on fall break, and so the Wesley foundation at Southern was hanging out on the Mississippi coast for some fellowship, Spiritual renewal, and service! After settling into our rooms, we immediately crossed MS Highway 90 (frogger, anyone?) and hung out at the beach until supper time. The Lord blessed us with absolutely BEAUtiful weather! Since it was the first day, we just hung out and shared what each of us expected to gain from our time here. The camp director, Ms. Suzanne, gave a devotion focused on Isaiah 58:7-12. Talked about how so often our posture is not open, how we walk around campus with our iPods plugged in and our defenses up. We prayed to be more open with each other, to be more open to what the Lord would be teaching us. After a bonfire on the beach and some star gazing, we headed back to some cozy sleeping bags with the hopes of getting some sweet, sweet rest for the day ahead! 

Ladies walking on the beach...

Boys working on that fire. 

Friday was a fresh beginning. Got to spend some quiet time with the Lord pull the sun up over the ocean water. Again we met as a group and prayed over the day's work. My team, (Team Green) and Team Blue were assigned to help prepare a house for demolition and also to repair a long, chain link fence that ran across the back property line of Seashore. Admittedly my first thoughts were that I would rather have gone with Team Yellow and been able to minister to the homeless, but the Lord had a LOT to teach me, and thankfully He opened my heart to what He was whispering. 


Now, I've done work in the yard before, but repairing a fence was a whole new ballgame. The first thing we had to do was cut all of these little vines off before we could do much else. As I was working by myself on one section of the fence, occasionally getting pricked by those spiky vines that work themselves in amongst the others, to be honest I was frustrated. Why don't we just tear this whole section down and put in a new one? Why are the few of us out here doing this work while the other teams are having fun? Blah blah blah negativity. Hellooooooo! Thankfully the Lord moved in my heart and said, "Audrey, this is the work I need you to do. You are here for a purpose, and the work you are doing should be done joyfully! Do everything without complaining. A bigger picture is being painted." 


Thank YOU Lord, for not allowing me to wallow in self-pity, for showing me instead how to find JOY in the little things, and to take the time to get to know the others on my team. Thanks to God and His greater plans, the people on my team were able to bond with each other and spend time learning things about one another that we hadn't known before. We were able to work together and restore this broken fence, to help beautify a place of worship, to make Seashore assembly the light in the darkness that it has been for this community after the devastation of Hurricane Katrina.

Catherine, myself and Jenny

The rest of the afternoon was fun as we worked together to complete the fence and to begin organizing a shed on the property. After a hard day's work, we all came together again for worship in the tiny chapel. We had a time of sharing about what each group had done that day. To hear of all the work that was accomplished and how the Lord had used our short time here to build and strengthen community within our group was so beautiful. We sang together and took communion. We used a special bread that we had made together earlier that morning, a further example of the many members coming together to form one body. Standing in the chapel with our little Wesley community on each side of me was so humbling. We were here, together, worshipping and serving the Lord. So what if we were all a little dirty, with sand in our hair and grime on our face? What mattered was that we were gathered for a greater purpose, to glorify the Lord.

Miranda and I climbing trees!

That night we ended up on the beach again to play endless rounds of Bunny Bunny, Big Booty, Caribbean baseball and catchphrase. The night ended with our group sitting together and thanking the Lord for His many blessings and for all that He had allowed us to experience over these few days. Being able to pray to our great God who binds us together added to an overflowing cup. 



Overall, the whole weekend was restoring. We developed community with each other and got to see the true colors of ourselves away from the pressures of school life. Recently I heard someone say that the best way to build community is to work together for a common purpose. This weekend, the Lord showed me just how true that statement is. Our Wesley community grew together because we were working to show the love of Christ to a community that needs it so badly. All of our different flavors blended together and came out a delicious bread, the Body. 

Alberto, our fearless leader!

Patrick, Alex, Victoria and Harry doin' work

"Is it not to share your bread with the hungry,
And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out;
When you see the naked, that you cover him,
And not hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then your light shall break forth like the morning,
Your healing shall spring forth speedily, 
And your righteousness shall go before you;
The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
You shall cry, and He will say, 'Here I am.'"
Isaiah 58:7-9




"Further Up and Further In."

The Wesley Community.

Who Are You?

Thought that going off to college would help me figure out who I am...

...but in this I was wrong, at least to some degree. All this time I've thought that once I finally transferred to a four-year college I'd feel like I belonged, that I'd feel like I was a part of the school and would proudly cheer for "my team."

Oddly enough, the football games I'd been looking forward to going to so much really haven't been that big of a deal. Screaming for this team just doesn't mean what I thought it would. I don't have a desire to dress in school colors or to shout "To The Top!" after every first down, it's the weirdest thing! Why don't I feel like an "Eagle?" Why don't I care about this school as much as I'd always thought I would, as much as I'd been looking forward to?

Walking across campus this afternoon, the Lord showed me that what I'd been hoping to find in this school was an identity. All of this time I've been looking for something about this school that defines me, for something that says, "This is IT!" He showed me that it's too late for that - I've already found my identity, and it's in Jesus Christ. Cheering for the football team seems pointless compared to the relationships that could be developed with all of the lost people here. This school is not my identity; instead, it is the mission field the Lord has placed me in to do His work and to build community. 

This is my GEWW (Golden Eagle Welcome Week) Group...
praying that the Lord will keep working in their hearts and will allow me to be His witness to them! 

In Galatians 2:20, Paul writes:

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

The Lord is my strength and my song, He is my Rock and my refuge in times of trouble. Each day the Spirit is teaching me to live in Him instead of in the flesh. This is a journey, not a destination, but thank the Lord that He is patient and that He will never leave. 

"Further Up and Further In."

"Nature's First Green is Gold..."

When do we transition into adulthood?


When is it that we walk past the guy in the wheelchair? When do we have too much to do on the weekend, can't afford a spontaneous road trip? When do we lose touch with close friends? When is it that we can walk down the sidewalk on a beautiful September day without being amazed at God's creation? 


Walking on campus today, God struck me with these thoughts... College students though we may be, we are the ones who know how to live. Though the world takes so much, still we find just a little more to give. We have no time at all and yet all the time in the world for a friend in need. We are filled with a rare and strong passion for life. Things that have no value by some standards - a letter from a friend, a hug, a warm conversation - are the things we most treasure. We have nothing but know how to make the most of it. Still we see the good though so often we are immersed in the bad. We are moved by pain, by joy, by love. We are the outlines of a story; we are just presently beginning to see where we fit into this world. We are united by a desire to be different - we dare to face this world with a bold and brazen hope that somehow it can be changed for good.

We are the green sprout of life daring to grow among the barren soil... 




"Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12




Dare to be the sprout that, with the strength of the Spirit, exemplifies what love the Father has for His world.


"Further Up and Further In."

"By learning you will teach, by teaching you will learn." - Latin proverb

So I just got back from our orientation for observing in the classroom this fall, and a mix of emotions are whirling through my being...


As our class of teachers-to-be gathered outside the high school office, all dressed in our professional best, it was almost comical to look around and still see the students in us. Though we were clothed in dress pants and shirts, it was really hard to see that we weren't all just college kids full of anticipation.


Our instructor walked up and led us into the building. We took seats in the library and listened as the school counselor described what to expect from the school itself.


Next the principal spoke. What she had to say was invaluable; she has had many years of experience teaching at all different levels, and she gave it to us straight. She shared how this job is not an easy one, how we don't just clock out at 3:30. She said if we are in it for the money (HA!) or the vacation hours, then we really need to reconsider this. She said that this is truly a calling, that if we are not here because we love kids and really feel like we can make a difference, then this is not the right place to be. 


What she was saying was so true. After years of watching my mom teach algebra, it has never crossed my mind that this is just a profession. I have watched my mom get up early - WAY too early - to finish grading papers or writing her lesson plans. I have seen her leave early to get to school and stay late after just to meet with students who are having trouble. Mom has always been that teacher that goes above and beyond, the one who buys little certificates to make up random awards so that each of her students could feel recognized on awards days that usually only apply to those who excel academically. She makes sure to attend every sporting event and every band competition that she can as well as balance a family at home. 


The idea of teaching has been one of ministry ever since the Lord revealed to me that this is the path for right now. To seek the students and get to know them is the part that draws me to teaching. Actually "teaching" is a different story! How in the world am I going to get a bunch of high school students to learn Biology? Most of them are taller than me, and most of them dress better than me too! 


"They need good biology teachers." That's the response that every single adult who's ever asked me what I'm doing with my life has given me. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? What makes someone a good teacher? What if they don't learn? What if my class is the one that they despise, what if I'm not able to engage all of their different learning styles? What if that one child with bad behavior won't listen to me? 


Right about now God is telling me to hold up. If He's brought me this far and provided a way to go to school, if He's opened the doors for me to get into the right classes and given me the chance to be a camp counselor, He's been preparing me for this for a whole lot longer than I realize and in more ways than I realize. It is not of my own power that I'll be teaching but it will be the power of the Holy Spirit within me. 


Today the Lord shared this with me through a devotional book "Jesus Calling":


"On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives - giving up or relying on Me." 


...and my dear Friend shared this verse with me:


"Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand." -Philippians 4:5.


Teaching is not simply a job. God has called me to teach, and far be it from me to try to do this on my own! This is God's plan, and I have never been more sure of that than these past few weeks of teaching classes. This is going to be tough. Probably am going to want to quit. But in knowing that this is GOD's plan, that this is the story HE is writing, is comforting. I am not the one who will be the teacher but it is He who is in me. Choosing to press on (Philippians 3:12), to rely on the Father, Son and Holy Spirit...


"Further Up and Further In."

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30

Dear LORD, You know everything, and I know nothing.


That was my lesson today. After wandering around campus this morning with the "plan" of what my day should be like, He had a different set of circumstances in mind. Intended to get up early, spend some time in the Word and in prayer, intended to have time to run to Target and pick up some last minute school supplies, intended to go to my classes and enjoy my perfect schedule. Thankfully God had things His way instead.


After praying for a little while but not truly feeling that beautiful state where it's just you and the LORD, felt like walking around a bit and exercising that prayer muscle in motion. Ran into my friend who is bound to a wheel chair and only able to speak through a device that allows her to type out her words. She indicated that she needed some help finding where her classes would be that morning, and since my first class wasn't until later it worked out that I could help her. 


As we were traveling across campus and making friendly conversation, I was amazed at the kindness of other students and their taking the time to speak to her and help her with things she dropped. Saw how brave she has to be to attend a university and how much spunk she had, how it was truly she who was teaching me about being genuine and willing to ask for help.


After our trek across campus, ended up at the Wesley and spent some time in the student chapel there. It is a truly secret and quite place, peaceful, simple painted walls. In reading Ezekiel saw the people were sobbing over their iniquity, devastated at the way they had failed. Realized that is the way I need to be over my sins, need to be truly sorrowful. 


At this point God began to reveal to me that HE knows everything, while I know nothing. He is greater, so much greater that creatures are constantly praising Him night and day, crying "Holy, Holy Holy," (Isaiah 6:3). Constantly need to be in a state of humbleness, aware that God alone knows everything. 
This awareness was brought about again later in the day, when after attending just one class my teacher made it known that we all needed to be enrolled in another which conflicted with my schedule. Suddenly I had to call my advisor, figure out what needed to be done, figure out what new book I'll need for this mystery class. God knows everything, I know nothing. This is in His plan, and just gotta trust that all will work according to His purpose and seek to fulfill it wherever it leads me. 


Thank You Lord for taking plans and breaking them. This is Your life, not mine. Please let it glorify You in every way!


"Further Up and Further In."

all about a smile :]

"A smile costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it. Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give."
-- Author Unknown


"Further Up and Further In."

abiding in His love.

Recently I've begun a journey back to Jesus.


This is not of my own power, because it was in fact myself that created the distance between us and hindered our relationship for several weeks. It hurt to be so far from Him and not understand why, to wake up and pray and read the Word and to not feel like we had encountered each other. 


Finally God woke me up from my self-delusions, made me realize that if I really wanted to find Him again then I had to fully seek Him. All of my prayers had been rushed, distracted, un-centered, and time in His Word had been more out of habit and an effort to put a bandage on our relationship instead of what it should have been. To come back to Him, I had to remember who He is.


It took reading the words and story of Jesus found in the book of John, beginning with the foot washing, to really start this process. For the first time in ages it felt like His words were alive, and the Spirit revealed so much to me about Jesus. To see the way He always pointed to the Father, how He always credited everything to God and how His whole purpose was to glorify the Father, was so beautiful. Jesus has often been someone I look over somehow - instead focusing on God and His power and the Spirit and His counsel. To read with fresh eyes the story of Jesus and to truly see His unending love broke a hole in the wall that was between us. He is the Good Shepherd, He sought me when a stranger wandering from the fold. 


This morning in prayer realized that right now I'm supposed to be preparing myself to be His bride. After spending most of yesterday with a close friend who is about to get married and thinking about how so many other of my friends are in serious relationships or engaged, on my mind was my future husband and also on a boy who I used to think would be the infamous "one." All of this is not what my focus should be. 


Jesus has been my friend, my protector, my comforter. He has known me in ways that no one else in this present age knows, He has always taken care of me and listened to my struggles and rejoiced in my times of gladness. I'm tired of giving my heart away to people and to things that end up leaving me empty. Jesus is calling me to surrender to Him, to experience true life. He is my Lord and provider. He says, "As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love," (John 15:9). 


Abiding in His love. Just to think of it is peace. To abide in His love makes me feel whole, complete. 


"Further up and further in."

numero uno

So, this is the beginning of an experiment. Many times have found that getting words onto paper has helped sort out the complexities of life and allowed me to see GOD's hand in all of it. With this in mind, it is time to see how well this method works with a keyboard.

This beginning appropriately coincides with the beginning of a new phase in my life: Movin' out. Big deal, right? Actually, it is indeed for someone who has lived at home for the first two years of her college career! Time to spread these feeble wings and soar down this new path which God has breathed.

With this newfound freedom, God is reminding me that "..you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." -Galatians 5:13.

Freedom, true freedom, is only found in Christ. Let us use this gift as God has called us to!


Until next time, may we all continue "Further Up and Further In."